lost in between real and fake

I'm living with bipolar I as well as borderline personality disorder. I've had an extremely difficult year and I'm currently taking it one step at a time trying to get on my feet again. Unfortunately the road of recovery involves relapses, hence some posts may be triggering.

lost in between real and fake

I am fascinated by people. medicine. design. culture. psychology. I love to research. write. travel. give. I am rebellious. unconventional. complex. fun. paradoxical. thoughtful.

"I was so in love with you that I ignored how horribly you treated me."



- You’re not a good person and that took me way too long to realize.



BPD mood swings.

Me: I've never been in this much emotional pain before in my life. I'm collapsing and everything hurts and how the hell do I endure another second of this agony?

*5 minutes later*

Me: Huh I'm totally fine.

(Source: twenty-trois)

Identity crisis.

I think I am having a true identity crisis. I have no idea who I am and what I stand for. I cannot name the values I live by nor the viewpoints I represent. It’s all blank. My mind is relentlessly searching for meaning but all there is is black. A black hole. Sheer nothingness. I honest to god cannot imagine a future for myself. All I know is the longer I fail to envision my life, the greater the pressure I put on myself to succeed … in something … anything. I feel helpless, hopeless. My confidence hit rock bottom and I’m left there screaming for help on the ground. My self-esteem is shattered because I have no clear goals and no ambitions. I don’t know how to solve my situation. I am scared. I want out. Out of this life that is making me feel so damn miserable. 

All my friends are getting married while I just vegetate through life like dead plant matter.

14/10.

Today I finally applied for an MSc in Psychology. The application process was looong and nerve wrecking, but I hope that it will be worth it. I am praying to get in. It would be life-changing. It would be a dream come true.

01/10.

I literally have no idea what to do with my life. I have no perspectives. No goals. No future. No nothing. I am too depressed to care about anything. 

burberrybushbaby:

How the fuck am I supposed to make life decisions I’m not even sure I want to be alive?

"I ruined myself for a lot of people that werent even worth it."



-

(Source: askaboutnikki)



(Source: manolescent)

"I’m sorry we met when we did. I was in a bad place, you were in a bad place; and as much as we wanted to fix each other neither of us could afford to destroy ourselves."



Impact.

I want to have an impact on people’s lives. I want to touch and change lives. I want the world to be a better place because of the contributions I make to others. I want this to be a kinder world for the generosity of time and energy I offer on myself to those in need. I want this to be a sweeter world for the love I give so graciously.